I was recently told that guys flock to me.  That I bring out qualities in people around me that they didn't even know they have.  That I'm a city girl, stuck being born and raised in the suburbs.  That I am so uniquely me that other people become more themselves when they are around me.

I wish I believed it.

Symbolically, dreaming that you are paralyzed means you are feeling helpless or pinned down in some aspects or circumstances of your waking life. You may feel unable to deal with a situation or change anything. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are feeling emotionally paralyzed. You have difficulties expressing your feelings.

To dream that you are immobile signifies feelings of being trapped. Alternatively, it shows that you are too rigid in your attitudes and decisions. 

Maybe they'll stop soon.

I'll never learn that they all say the things you want to hear.
Then four in the morning rolls around and they detect your fear.
I'm right here, I'm right here.

No, you're there.
I'm here.
I'm trying hard to contain my heavy heart and heavy eyelids,
but timing has never been your strong suit.

I'm different than I was six months ago.
How could I have known?
Falling in love at a coffee shop.

Aidan or Logan?
I'll end up with neither,
both will want to marry me,
and I'll fuck everything up.

 Apropos.

Butter Cake (mmmmmm) 3 cups all-purpose flour 2 cups sugar 1 tsp salt 1 tsp baking powder 1/2 tsp baking soda 1 cup buttermilk 1 cup butter 2 tsp vanilla extract 4 eggs Preheat oven to 325ºF (165ºC). Grease and flour a 10 inch Bundt pan. In a large bowl, mix the flour, 2 cups sugar, salt, baking powder and baking soda. Blend in buttermilk, butter, vanilla and eggs. Beat for 3 minutes at medium speed (seriously, this step is important or your cake will fall in!). Pour batter into Bundt pan. Bake in preheated oven for 60 minutes, or until a wooden toothpick inserted into center of cake comes out clean. Prick holes in the still warm cake (I used a wooden spoon handle but I recommend something smaller. My skewers are MIA or I would have used those). Slowly pour topping over cake. Let cake cool before removing from pan (also incredibly important!). Topping 3/4 cup sugar 1/3 cup butter 3 TBSP water 2 tsp vanilla extract In a saucepan, combine all four ingredients. Cook over medium heat until fully melted and combined, but do not boil.

Death.

Like everyone else in the goddamn world, I am dying.
I am also a hypochondriac, a narcissist and a performer, but I suppose that comes with the territory.
When I stand in the spotlight alone, I am strong. I am vulnerable. I am invincible. I am mortal.
Then the lights dim and I return to my dark sanctuary in the wings.
I am not afraid of death.
The dark naturally comes after the light, just like on opening night or any night.
An afterlife seems like a nice idea, but I more believe in reincarnation, because that is all I have ever experienced.
One month, I’m a maid, the next I’m a teenage assassin, then an animal, then a tree.
Everyone says that theatre models life, because emotions are so readily available and one has to be so susceptible to any and all outside stimuli.
But really it models death.
And that’s okay too.

This relationship is different.
For as childish as we are, it just feels so grown up.
Like this is how it would be if we had our own place.
He'd lay on the couch reading, I'd sit on the floor drawing.

When I relayed this thought, he kissed me, agreed, and told me
that it was because he could be himself around me.

That's exactly what it is.
Even though I want to impress him, I don't feel like I have to.
And that's a first.
He has flaws, and I don't want to change them.
And that's a first.
We don't have to constantly be together.
We don't have to sit next to each other everyday of our lives.
We don't have to hold hands.
We go dutch sometimes because I know that that's a burden in a relationship.

I always wanted to be like Peter Pan and never grow up, but
now that I'm out of Neverland, I like this world too.
More, even.

And that's a first.

We haven't learned yet that each romance has a last day.